REGURGITATIONS

     We need our guns as the second amendment guarantees.  We need to protect ourselves against the government.  Ask the South how well that approach worked in the 1860's (you know, the South is gonna rise again).  Yes, because the government is a threat.  Sure the government is made up of citizens, but that's not the point.  Okay, so it's not really normal citizens.  It's rich, white, old, male citizens.  As we know these are the types of people who are always wanting a physical confrontation, especially if you are on their lawn.       Of course us citizens are going to face down our government. We've seen Red Dawn, we know how it's done. We, the citizens of America, are experts at organizing as long as their is a t-shirt, a colorful ribbon, a 5K, and of course, funnel cake.  Because that is what the United States government is going to do.  They are going to face us with guns.  You kn...

  December 12, 2012 in Newtown, CT a twenty year old male entered an elementary school and shot and killed twenty first grade children and an additional 6 adults before taking his own life.   The intentional targeting of children has left many bewildered and asking the question  "Where was God?"      God was where he always is.... in the stands devouring an green pepper and onion smothered bratwurst chased down by a cold one in the local teams commemorative cup.  Humanities biggest fan..... never misses an event .       There is nothing quite as frail as the blind faith of the Christian faithful.  Where could their God have been?  Playing Halo?  Texting while flying?  Watching Honey Boo Boo?  No, He was right there.... it's part of the whole omnipresence thing.  It is part of the Master Plan..... or ...... of course.... we could blame it on the devil.  Give it a few more days.... and we will ge...

     I have often heard, in my three short years in comedy, the key to being a professional comedian is getting on stage and "not giving a shit."  Often this philosophy is attributed to Bill Hicks or George Carlin.  I know neither Hicks or Carlin personally but I can assure you... they gave a shit.  This is why they are not only professional comedians, they are legends.      For those who may have misunderstood this philosophy or simply be too stupid to understand, let me attempt to clarify.  The philosophy of "not giving a shit" refers to a comedian's failure to accept the the conventions, standards and collective perspective of society.  This "don't give a shit" mantra was advanced to encourage comedians to fight the "power" or "the man" with disdain and without fear of retaliation much like Dick Gregory, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock.  It is my understanding they were imp...

                            RAPE   -  A  DYING  ART  FORM      For as long as I can remember, rape has been viewed as a traumatic tragedy.  Recent events have brought light to this subject.  Finally, rape has been legitimized with what else?  Legitimate Rape.  It is about time.  Now it is my understanding that some rape is considered acceptable, if not honorable. This is a great day for rapist.  After all those years working in the shadows, the rapist can now proudly reveal themselves.  Undoubtedly, this is a proud moment in our country's history.      I can now rest easy at night knowing that maybe one day my little girl can be legitimately raped in a dark alley by a fully trained and licensed rapist.  No more concerns regarding a sexual assault...

                             BATMAN'S  GOT  A  GUN       For all you fake-ass John Wayne types who would have shot the "Batman Killer" through a haze of tear gas, if only all Americans could carry guns. The total dead would have exceeded a hundred and every single movie goer would have been wounded after your little gun-totin' bitch ass would have fearfully drawn your gun and fired in the darkness as your pistol slipped from your popcorn-buttered hands, killing the people next to you. Yes, that is the answer give everyone a gun. When they start bombing shit cause everyone has a gun, then lets give everyone a bomb. Fuck, after 9/11 we should have given everyone a plane. You carry a gun cause your a pussy, just like this young man. And when faced with such a tragic event you would have done what...

US Truth and World Report (USTWP) has gained an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the man who shot seventeen year old Trayvon Martin. He has decided to speak with us and only us in his first EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. US Truth and World Report met Trayvon Martin's killer in an undisclosed location. He sat down with us to answer questions before potentially being hauled in by the authorities to face possible criminal charges. As we sat down to discuss the tragic events of February 26, 2012 I asked the most widely-sought after man in America to state his name for the record. He stated with erect posture and a sly grin "my name is Barney Fife". USTWP : Mr. Fife, can you tell us what happened that tragic evening? FIFE : You can call me Barn. All my friends call me Barn. USTWP : Okay Barn. Can you tell us what happened that night? FIFE : I would be happy to oblige. It was a dark night and it was startin' to rain. I spied some movement in the shadows about twenty feet away and I ...

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