THE COMEDY OF NOT GIVING A SHIT

     I have often heard, in my three short years in comedy, the key to being a professional comedian is getting on stage and "not giving a shit."  Often this philosophy is attributed to Bill Hicks or George Carlin.  I know neither Hicks or Carlin personally but I can assure you... they gave a shit.  This is why they are not only professional comedians, they are legends.
     For those who may have misunderstood this philosophy or simply be too stupid to understand, let me attempt to clarify.  The philosophy of "not giving a shit" refers to a comedian's failure to accept the the conventions, standards and collective perspective of society.  This "don't give a shit" mantra was advanced to encourage comedians to fight the "power" or "the man" with disdain and without fear of retaliation much like Dick Gregory, Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock.  It is my understanding they were imploring us, as budding comedians, to attack the status quo.  They encouraged us to be a conduit for society and dig for the truth under society's mountain of bullshit.  Gregory, Bruce, and Carlin faced censorship and incarceration because they attacked the societal norms with comedic hilarity and their own version of the truth.  Of course, with some dick jokes sprinkled in (Carlin).  This is what is meant by "not giving a shit."  This is what made them professional comedians and legends.
     Some of you aspiring comedians have taken the "don't give a shit" philosophy completely wrong and despite all evidence to the contrary have labeled yourself a professional comedian.  This devalues the art and science of comedy.  To better understand what is a professional comedian, we need only start with defining what is a professional.  First, I will debunk a common myth.  Because someone pays you to "perform" comedy makes you no more a professional than the teenager I pay to cut my lawn is a professional landscaper.
     Our society is filled with professionals.  I spent 25+ years in the health care field prior to becoming a comedian.  I will use the professionals in that arena (physicians, therapists and attorneys) as my examples:

1)  I cannot recall an attorney in a hearing or trial I attended, prefacing his legal argument with the statement "Your honor, this is the first time I've attempted this argument so I don't know if it going to work."  An attorney such as this would be the laughing stock of the court system, if not disbarred. He would definitely lose clients much like the "comedian" who uses such a statement loses audience members.

2)  I have known attorneys to work cases pro-bono.  I have never seen the attorney enter the court and state "I am representing this client for free, so fuck the jury if they don't like my argument."  This would not serve the needs of the client and definitely doe not serve the needs of the "comedians" audience.  It also disrespects the audience (potential followers and paying customers) and reflects horribly on the comedy profession as a whole.  The reality is there are no bad audiences... only bad comedians.  To blame the audience only allows the "comedian" to avoid a valuable lesson.

3)  I have observed many a surgical procedure, both from the gallery and at the surgeon's side, and I have never seen the surgeon cut open the patient and state "well, I'm not really sure what I should do.  I'll try this and see if it works."  A professional enters their performance arena with a definitive plan of action.  They do not guess or fail to prepare.
     The label "professional" usually implies a formal education.  A formal education is not required for comedy.  It is more of a self-study process.  It requires a great deal of discipline.  This discipline is often lacking with aspiring comedians.  Resident surgeons do not hang out in the smoking area while the Chief of Surgery operates.  They learn by observing, asking questions and participating.  I do not mean to imply all professionals are competent.  This is not true.  Some conduct themselves as "wanna be comedians."  They blame the patient for their failure to recover appropriately.
Despite their formal education, they do not posses the mental discipline to accept their substandard results and learn from them.

4)  The vast majority of professionals do not practice their profession in an altered state.  Their reputation and credibility rely on their ability to perform.  Would you choose a surgeon who needed a joint or a few shots before they stepped into the operating room.
     I have heard many "aspiring" comedians state drugs allow them to access their third eye.  I would propose one does not need to access a third eye if one would open their two eyes.  The brutal truth is many "aspiring" comedians do not posses the intelligence, unaltered, to be successful.  Altering your mental state only increases the likelihood the "aspiring" comedian is unsuccessful.

5)  An effective lawyer has clients come to his office based on his reputation. 
The other lawyers chase ambulances.  If you are funny you will be asked to perform on shows.  If not, work on your act. Quit chasing ambulances!

     A professional comedian engages the audience and produces laughter on a consistent basis by articulating a new perspective on the human experience.  "You ever be fuckin' a bitch and..." is not an example of this.  As many professional athletes profess "you play like you practice."  Many of you have poor practices and poor game performances.  Many of Jeffrey Dahmer's family and friends still think he was a good kid.  If your family and friends are the one's laughing then your are neither a good nor professional comedian.  
     So print your comedy business cards and put "Comedian" after your name on FaceBook, it will make you a professional comedian.  My friend is an attorney.  His Mercedes has a personalized license plate which reads "LAWYER".  The city's most respected attorney drives a pickup with a traditional license plate.  When he enters a restaurant, people whisper "he's a great attorney."  Bystanders know my friend is an attorney if they bump into him as he is standing behind his Mercedes.  Which attorney would you rather be?
     If I have offended any of you... in all honesty... I don't really give a shit!