HONESTY - THE OTHER COMEDY WHITE MEAT

     So tonight a friendly, kind, likable young man sidled up to me prior to the comedy contest beginning at our local comedy club.  He had performed the prior night in the competition and failed to advance.  I had witnessed his performance first hand.  This young man had seen me perform once and evidently this garnered his respect.  In fact prior to going on the previous night he had asked me for last minute advice and I simply told him, “Forget it’s a competition.  Simply have fun and enjoy the experience.”  I knew he was new to comedy so he had little chance of advancing.  This was his first time under the lights on the big stage.  His set could not have gone much worse.  He was energetic and projected confidence yet his five minutes did not produce a single genuine laugh.  It was one of those performances which was painful to watch.  As I scanned the audience from the back of the room you could sense confusion and a smidge of resentment on the part of the audience.  The young man’s confidence and energy were remarkably out of proportion with his abilities.  This seemed to create a very negative energy in the room.

      So here he is sitting next to me.  He looked at me with sincerity and asked, “So what did you think of my performance last night?”  I hesitated.  He followed up, “Did you see it?”  My comedy buddy sat across from me and had witnessed the performance.  As the question was posed he began blankly staring at the table.  I made eye contact with the young man.  He asked again, “What did you think?”  The moment he sat down I had developed a knot in my stomach.  I had a feeling this question would be asked.  As the seconds passed I could feel myself begin to perspire slightly.  When the question was asked the final time I had developed an enormous knot in my stomach.  I had a choice to make.  I could protect his feelings and lie or I could tell him the truth.  I have learned from others, as well as my own experiences, avoiding the truth does not work out for anyone.   I responded definitively, “It was horrible.”  He sat shocked for a few seconds before responding, “Some of my friends said…”  I cut him off, “You can’t trust your friends to tell you the truth.  It was horrible.”  He hesitated before responding, “Some people said I was too close to the mic and it was difficult to understand me…”  I interrupted again, “I heard you.  It was horrible.”   I explained to him his confidence and energy were incongruent with his ability.  It was perplexing to watch for me and the audience.   He asked about specific jokes.  I told him I did not remember any of the specific jokes.  If he wished to send them to me I would be more than happy to look at them and give feedback.  He stated he would do that and excused himself from the table.

      This is where my frustration lies.  It took a great deal of courage for this young man to ask for an honest assessment of his abilities from anyone, especially me.  I believe it is a well known fact in our comedy community that I will give my honest opinion.   I respected him for asking.  I answered him honestly because I respect him.  There is my frustration.   People such as me are often seen as assholes.  We are seen as mean or uncaring.  This could not be further from the truth.  I care enough to tell you what I honestly saw.  It is the coward who will tell you a lie.  It is the coward, disguised as a friend, who is more interested in avoiding potential conflict or hurt feelings.  Such “friends” choose their selfish needs over the needs of a friend. 

     We are a society obsessed with courtesy and politeness.  We want to be liked more than we want to be effective or successful.  We want to avoid confrontation more than we want to do the proper thing.  We had rather see the person repeat the same mistakes forever than find them real help.   I did not want to tell the young man something he did not want to hear but he deserved the truth.  If he takes the truth and applies it he will improve and have a greater chance at reaching his goals.

     I have spent five years in the comedy game.  I spent twenty five years in the health care arena.  In the health care arena you have to have a formal education and a license to practice.  You have to have demonstrated a basic foundation of knowledge.  This does not mean you are competent.  But it does mean you have demonstrated the discipline and basic knowledge to step on the health care stage. 

     Comedy does not have such a formal system or set of parameters.  Anyone who can get up on a stage and create noise from their pie hole can consider their self a comedian.  I have seen many “comedians” come to stage with a beer in their hand or under the influence of drugs.  Can you imagine if your surgeon or lawyer did that?  The truth is most of you aspiring “comedians” are not smart enough sober to be successful at comedy.  Why you would voluntarily hinder your chances at success is beyond me.  But let me tell you why you do it…. cause you’re a pussy.  You are afraid of failure.  You don’t have the courage to face the stage sober and/or prepared.  You need an excuse so when you fail you don’t have to blame yourself.  You can blame the alcohol, the pot, your lack of preparation.  Can you imagine if your doctor or lawyer did that?  It would be inexcusable. Yet when you do it you giggle like a little bitch and your shitty “friends” encourage you.

     Then you get frustrated because you are not getting booked for shows at the comedy club or at venues in your local scene.  Then you start to complain, “I have been doing this for years!”  And no one has stepped forward in those years to tell you that you sucked during those years.  I will tell you. I fired shitty therapists who couldn’t get people well or told companies to avoid specific surgeons because they crippled people.  I don’t want to see you live a life of frustration.  I want you to move on to something you might be successful at.  I also want you to stop representing yourself as a comedian because you sour audiences to real comedians.  If anyone who could hold a scalpel could be a surgeon can you imagine how many more people would die in surgery?

      And for those of you who weren’t smart enough to finish high school or college yet are way too smart for your audience to “get” your jokes… you are lying to your dumb-ass again.  If you were so smart you would find a way to write your jokes so they could be understood by the so called “dullards” in your audience.  Could it be you are the dumb one and people don’t want to hear a seven minute joke on the amusing ironies deftly intertwined in the video game Mario?   Quit trying to impress us with your knowledge by name-dropping philosophers like a giddy little girl talking about Justin Bieber.   Quit attempting to tell your audience what is wrong with the world when it is kicking your ass on a daily basis.  You are just a little whiny bitch trying to rationalize your inability to be successful because the “man” has it in for you and all your clammy, insecure, poorly kempt, morbidly obese comrades.  I know, I know… you were in pre-law.  So were a lot of other failures.  The ones who had the discipline, intelligence and work ethic are not bragging about their pre-law days…. they are lawyers.  So keep making your shitty comedian friends in the back of the room laugh.  They will never buy a ticket to one of your shows…. they are always broke.  Keep doing it your way… because that is working out great if you have a thirty year plan to become a feature at the club.  You had rather do it your way and fail then learn a new way and succeed.  I believe that is the mantra of every idiot I ever met.  I believe Socrates said that.

     So laugh at the kid who failed miserably last night.  Laugh at him for asking advice.  Truth is he has the courage you don’t posses.  But you will learn that over the next few years as you stand at the back of the room with your flop-sweating friends giggling at someone’s desire to be better and complaining other comics are afraid to book you because you will show them up. 

     Quit telling yourself you have some innate God-given ability and you are an artist.  Anyone can learn to be funny.  And anyone with the gift who does not work and learn the basics will not succeed.  We have thirty five people sign up for open mic every week.  At least twenty of those are regulars.  They are people who have been doing this for at least a couple of years.  Many of you do not have a solid five minutes after three years.  Have you ever taken the time to extrapolate that data?  It takes at least forty five minutes to be a headliner… at your pace you will need at least 27 years.  Seem reasonable to you?

     And let’s not forget about the paying audience who come to shows.  Guess what they paid for?  Laughter.  Yeah… they came to laugh.  When you do your shitty set and they don’t laugh you have cheated and deceived them.  It makes us all look bad.  And that makes me mad. 

     Of course there is always the pussy.   If you get on stage you get pussy.  If you need to get on stage to get pussy…. maybe you need to work on something other than comedy.  And if you are getting women who are impressed by your shitty set at an open mic…well…. that is low grade pussy.   

     So back to our friendly, likable young man.  I don’t believe he is in comedy to prove he is smart, get pussy, deal with his issues or be cool.  I believe he simply want to make people laugh.  The honesty of tonight can help him get there.  I hope it does…. both for him…. and our profession.