TRAYVON MARTIN'S KILLER - AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

US Truth and World Report (USTWP) has gained an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the man who shot seventeen year old Trayvon Martin. He has decided to speak with us and only us in his first EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. US Truth and World Report met Trayvon Martin's killer in an undisclosed location. He sat down with us to answer questions before potentially being hauled in by the authorities to face possible criminal charges. As we sat down to discuss the tragic events of February 26, 2012 I asked the most widely-sought after man in America to state his name for the record. He stated with erect posture and a sly grin "my name is Barney Fife".

USTWP: Mr. Fife, can you tell us what happened that tragic evening?

FIFE: You can call me Barn. All my friends call me Barn.

USTWP: Okay Barn. Can you tell us what happened that night?

FIFE: I would be happy to oblige. It was a dark night and it was startin' to rain. I spied some movement in the shadows about twenty feet away and I yelled out "Who goes there?" The perpetrator did not respond and I again yelled out "Who goes there?" A dark imposing figure stepped out of the shadows and I politely asked "What's your name boy?" He stated "Trayvon" to which I responded "Give me the legal American name the good Lord gave you" Trayvon then stated "Oh shit!" and began running away.

USTWP: At this point what were you thinking?

FIFE: Clearly he was a criminal.

USTWP: What lead you to believe he was a criminal?

FIFE: Well I think that was clear to the naked eye. He was running and his name was Trayvon.

USTWP: Are you claiming Trayvon is a criminal name?

FIFE: Everybody knows Trayvon is a criminal name. Where do these people get these names? Trayvon. It reminds me of that Electric Company segment where you would combine two different words in to one word. You know. Traywick .......... Levon........ Trayvon.

USTWP: I'm not sure I understand.....

FIFE: It's common sense. If the person in the shadows would have said my name is Bob or Dave I would have said "have a safe night". If the shadowy figure would have replied Gertrude or Agnes I would have let the old Lesbian borrow my umbrella. Sure their lifestyle is an abomination but that don't mean ol' Lesbians should get wet and catch cold. I'm a good Christian man.

USTWP: So you are telling me that a person's name tells you something about them?

FIFE: Well don't be silly....... of course it does. Everybody knows that. If the shadowy figure would have said their name was Lester or Jasper or Bubba I would've escorted him out of the area cause........ clearly he doesn't belong around here.

USTWP: How about the names Goober or Gomer?

FIFE: Now those two are good people. You know Gomer served in the military. He's a hero.

USTWP: We understand you are half Mexican. What if the person had been named..... say..... Chuy?

FIFE: I would have been like "Hey Chuy I buurly recognized you". And of course Chuy would have responded "I know right, huh?" I would have given him a few dollars and told him to meet me down at Floyd the Barbers. Floyd really enjoys downin' a six pack or two late in the evening.

USTWP: So do you mean to tell me that a person's name determines what kind of person they may become or what type of success they may have in life?

FIFE: See if this makes sense to you. The Jackson family was the most talented family in the world. But only two of 'em made it big - Michael and Janet. The only two with normal names. We never heard anything from Tito, LaToya or Jermaine.

USTWP: How do you explain Randy Jackson of the Jackson Five?

FIFE: Well...... he's been real successful. He's the only colored judge on American Idol.

USTWP: So take me back to the moment when Trayvon began to run. Why do you believe he ran?

FIFE: His name is Trayvon. He is colored and he is wearing a hoodie. If you're wearin' a hoodie then you are either one of those gay fashionistas or you are a criminal. I knew he wasn't one of them gay fashionistas because he wasn't wearin' them there skinny jeans. He had on them ole' big saggy jeans....... so clearly he was a criminal...... and was smuggling in some illegal iced tea from Arizona and he had stolen a family-size bag of Skittles from the convenience store. You know........ cause they all got big families.

USTWP: So when Trayvon began to run what was your first reaction?

FIFE: I followed the neighborhood watch protocol to the letter. I immediately called Sheriff Andy Taylor. He was over at Ms. Crump's house having a late dinner. She is a fine lady and an excellent teacher.

USTWP: What did Sheriff Taylor tell you when you contacted him via radio?

FIFE: Ange.... I mean Sheriff Taylor...... told me not to pursue the criminal.

USTWP: What happened next?

FIFE: I told Sheriff Taylor I had looked into the criminal's eyes and this coon, which is what we in Mayberry RFD call criminals, was up to no good. It was clear to me, at the very least, this coon was gonna steal Aunt Bea's blue ribbon fried chicken and, at worst, get Opie hooked on crack or rape Thelma Lou.

USTWP: So you ignored Sheriff Taylor's orders?

FIFE: Sheriff Taylor's voice came across the radio and I heard him say "You better get..." and then the radio cut off. I'm guessin' cause it was stormin' purty bad. But I know Andy Taylor and I am sure he was tellin' me "you better get ..... him".

SHERIFF TAYLOR DECLINED US TRUTH AND WORLD REPORT'S REQUEST FOR AN INTERVIEW BUT DID ISSUE A STATEMENT. "I FEEL COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TRAGIC SERIES OF EVENTS. MY LAST STATEMENT TO DEPUTY FIFE WAS 'YOU HAD BETTER GET...... BACK TO THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT AND CLEAN THOSE EMPTY CELLS BEFORE OTIS PASSES OUT IN THE STREETS OR YOU GET YOURSELF IN SOME TROUBLE'. THIS TRAGEDY COULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY AVOIDED IF I HAD MADE DEPUTY FIFE GIVE ME THE ONE BULLET I ALLOW HIM TO CARRY IN HIS UNIFORM SHIRT POCKET. I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE TO MR. AND MRS. MARTIN FOR THE LOSS OF THEIR SON, TRAYVON MARTIN.

SHERIFF TAYLOR WAS CONTACTED LATER IN THE DAY AND MADE AWARE THAT TRAYVON MARTIN'S MOTHER DID NOT SHARE HIS LAST NAME, AS HER NAME IS SYBRINA FULTON. SHERIFF TAYLOR RESPONDED WITH 'WHAT KIND OF WICKED WOMAN DOES NOT SHARE THE SAME LAST NAME WITH HER SON?'

USTWP: Tell us Deputy Fife, once Trayvon began to run..... how did you respond?

FIFE: All I could think was "Nip It! Nip it in the Bud!" I didn't want anything bad to happen to the fine citizens of Mayberry.

USTWP: So you began chasing Trayvon?

FIFE: Not for long. Those people can run so fast and jump so high. He moved like he was a black deer! You know them black deer are the distant cousin of the Black Bear, the most aggressive of all the bears. You don't never hear of any trouble with a Polar Bear. They don't bother nobody. They just sit around chillin' out.

USTWP: What happened next?

FIFE: Well I headed back to the Squad Car and that's when I saw him again. I yelled out "Hey boy, you better run. I am the Deputy of this here town. I am the law!" Before I knowed it he was on me like Ernest T. Bass on a gimp possum. He couldn't have been more than a foot away. I could feel his big colored penis practically touchin' me. He then screamed out "Who the hell do you think you are you rent-a-cop Barney Fife motherfucker?" That's when I responded "so you do know who I am!"

USTWP: Reports are that you two were involved in a physical confrontation. Is that true and what precipitated this confrontation?

FIFE: Like I said already there was some precipitation..... it was raining purty hard by now. I told him to get up against the squad car and he didn't respond so I reached for his hand and the next thing I know he had used that extra thigh muscle they have to jump on top of me. Before I knowed it this Ninja Negro is slammin' my face into the pavement and trying to bite my ear off. He is screaming "I'm gonna eat your children!" Well, I aint' got no children. Me and Thelma Lou have only been courtin' for five years so we aint' even discussed that cause she's a real respectable lady.

USTWP: I'm sure she is.......... but back to the physical confrontation......

FIFE: Well at this point I didn't want to hurt him too bad....... you know cause my hands are registered as lethal weapons....... so I struggled and reached into my uniform pocket and retrieved my only bullet. I carry only one bullet cause when you are an expert marksman like myself you only need one bullet.

USTWP: Yes we have heard many unbelievable stories about your pistol skills...... but back to the altercation.

FIFE: At some point he stopped slammin' my face into the ground to take a sip on that illegal tea and have a few of them Skittles. I hear those candies are for the gays ........ you know....... cause they are the colors of the rainbow........ not that there is anything wrong with that.

USTWP: So this is when you loaded your gun?

FIFE: Yes. At this point I jumped to my feet and fired a warning shot........ into his chest.

USTWP: America saw the police video from the night you were brought in to the police station. We did not see any visible injuries.

FIFE: I'm a quick healer. I get that from my momma's side of the family. She was 1/8th Cherokee Indian.

USTWP: How has the Mayberry community responded to this tragedy?

FIFE: Well this weekend I will be receiving a key to the city from the Mayor. Right after............ the Mayberry Many Man March.