THE POLITICALLY CORRECT PARTICIPATION MEDAL

     "Today I had to break up a fight between a retarded child and a child with Downs Syndrome. I angrily pulled them apart.  'What the hell is going on here?  What are you two fighting about.'  The retarded child responded, 'I told him he is dumb.'  The Downs Syndrome child immediately responded, 'He's dumb!"  I hesitated for a few seconds before responding, 'Well... technically you are both...."  The audience erupted in laughter.  I continued with the second part of the joke. "The retarded child pointed at the other child, 'He is dumber than me because he has a genetic mutation of the twenty first chromosome...'  I interrupted, 'Are you sure you are retarded? That is a lot of complex information for ....."  Again the audience erupted in laughter. 
     This was the second time I had performed this joke.  The first time it also met with an eruption of laughter.  After the performance I was approached by a patron who stated that I should not call a child "retarded" but instead, "touched."  I smiled politely and nodded as to avoid a confrontation.  Here is the truth.  A child who is molested is "touched."  A child who has retarded mental capabilities is considered mentally retarded or "retarded" for short.  Here is my problem.
     The patron who approached me walked away form our interaction proudly as if some retarded child suddenly gained normal intelligence because of her statement.  Of course that did not happen.  What happened tonight did absolutely nothing for retarded children.  When I told the joke retarded children across our great nation did not wake from their sleep and begin striking their self in the head.  Absolutely nothing happened... other than .... some audience members laughed appreciatively.  And... this pious and misguided patron walked away as if they had just received their Special Olympic hug and one of the Kennedy's had proudly placed a Politically Correct Participation Medal around their neck.  This patron's statement was made solely for the patron.  It gave the patron a warm feeling as if they had stopped an imaginary attack on a poor helpless retarded child tonight. 
     Here is what the pious do-gooder did not know.  I have spent more than twenty five years as a therapist and a counselor.... much of that time working with special needs kids.  I volunteered for five years as a Special Olympics coach.  I have spent my entire adult life helping such kids.  I learned from those kids they love a good laugh.... sometimes at their own expense, sometimes at others expense and sometimes at my expense.  In fact one of my Special Olympians wrote part of one of my jokes about retarded kids.  One of my surgeon friends has a retarded child and he added to one of my jokes, "the best retarded jokes are written by retarded people."  It turns out his son is quick to share them with his father. 
     This patron did not save a retarded kid's life tonight.  She did not save a retarded kid from getting his feelings hurt.  She walked away feeling good about herself because she said something.  And that is the problem.  She said something... which essentially amounts to nothing.  If she is so concerned about the welfare of retarded children there are a multitude of volunteer opportunities at Special Needs centers and Special Olympic events.  She did not save the retarded world tonight.  She simply put on her retarded ribbon and walked proudly around voicing her concern while doing nothing for the actual problem.... almost as if ....she was retarded.
     I am a comedian.  I address all issues in my act.  I make fun of all people.... including those with disabilities because I learned in my 25+ years in a disability-treating profession... disabled people want to be treated like everyone else and part of that is having a good laugh... even if they are the butt of the jokes.  It reassures them they are not being treated differently... they are just like everybody else.
     So for the Politically Correct Participation Medal-wearing patron... if you are so concerned get off your fat ass and do something for the special needs kids other than wear your self-made meaningless medal.  Of course ..... I am sure now.... I am fat-shaming the patron.... she will need a bigger medal....and one hopefully made of chocolate.