THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS - CHRISTMAS EDITION

     It's that time of year.  So get out your semi-automatic rifles, hand grenades and body armor because Jesus Wants You to enlist in the War on Christmas.  That's right, America home of the free, which includes Religious Freedom and the absence of a national religion, wants you to celebrate the Christian Christ while ignoring other religious figures.  The government and civilian employers are going to give you days off so you can celebrate the birth of Jesus (that doesn't count as an endorsement of the religion by the government... nor does the reference to God on our money... or the prayers before the high school football game.)  As you know... this is the reason for the season.  What if you are Jewish and don't believe in Jesus?  It's just a month or so of celebrating Jesus.  What's the big deal?  It's like when us, whites, tolerate Black History Month.  You will make it through just like we do.  An extra episode of Dukes of Hazard and All in the Family (that Archie Bunker was way ahead of his time) a day and you will survive.
     So you say you're Muslim?  Well what the hell are you doin' here?  Why don't you go back to where you came from?  Just kiddin' (unless you don't have your papers yet).  We save that funny retort for the thugs... sorry... the Blacks.  If you wanna pray to Muhammad Ali that's fine.  That is your choice.  If you wanna burn in hell for eternity I can't stop ya.  If you want to celebrate your religion another time by havin' a Sharia Law tree, blasting your Koran Koran Christmas songs and throwing gays off rooftops that is up to you.  But we are gonna celebrate our religion by dragging the gays behind our pickup trucks like the good Christian Lord intended.  I am sure if you talk to the coloreds they would be more than happy to share part of their month with you heathens.  You have to excuse me.  I'm feelin' a little queasy.... must be gettin' a touch of that Islamophobia.  I hear it's goin' round.
     So you one of them Mormons?  Why don't you go back to Utah where you came from!  That's funny right there.  See I done said that to the Islamee earlier... well... guess you had to be there.  Let me ask you somethin'.  Do you put up a tree for each wife?  I know'd you believe in Jesus Christ so you alright in my book.  And just so you know... my book is the Bible not some Book of Mormon where Jesus has got some sort of superhero sidekick named Joseph Smith.  Is that Joseph Smith related to John Smith.... the one that done married that Indian girl by the name of Pocahontas?  Now I ain't in favor of mixing the races, that is clearly against God's law, but if I was gonna mix 'em I sure wouldn't mind gettin' me one of them Injun girls like her.  She looked kinda young in the Disney movie but they age faster, you know, because of the alcoholism and the frequent cryin' because of people littering.  I don't know if I could handle a young woman anyway.  I done got up to that age where my "Lil' Feller" ain't always up for a play date if you know what I mean?  Hell, you probably don't know what I mean at all.  You got all them wives and young 'uns.  Evidently you ain't havin' no trouble with the family jewels.  Is that cause of the magic underwear?  Is that what does it?  It's the magic underwear, ain'it?  Look here I feel like me and you done bonded and wez friends so.... let me buy a pair of them magic underwear from ya.  Come on, don't walk away.  Hell, I'll buy the ones your a wearin'.  That way I'd already know'd they work.  But you gonna have to give me a discount if they got skid marks in 'em. 
     So you say you're one of them there Scientologists?  First of all I don't believe in Science.  I don't believe in nothing I can't see with my own two hands.  Which one of 'em are ya?  Are you the Tom Cruise kind or the King of Queens wife kind of Scientologist?  I seen the Tom Cruise on Oprah and I don't believe in any religion which encourages jumping on the couch.  My momma always made it clear you keep your feet off the furniture.  Why do you think Jesus was washin' his follower's feet?  Cause he done learned the hard way, as toddler Jesus, that dirty feet on the furniture will get ya an old fashioned ass whoopin'.  I ain't celebratin' no religion which believes in auditing.  I been livin' off the grid and ain't paid no taxes in damn near a decade.  I ain't about to walk right into an audit voluntarily.  I ain't gonna send my money to no government run by no Nigerian Muslim who is gonna repatriate it too poor and hungry people.
     So you're an Atheist?  You don't believe in God.  Well imagine that.  You don't wanna believe in something you can't see.  Well maybe if you open your eyes you could see the thing I believe in.  Who in the hell do you think you are that you decide, with your own free will that God gave you, that you can imagine nothing when everybody else is imagining somethin'.... someone else made up.  Now that takes imagination and belief and ..... some other stuff I haven't even imagined yet.   I know God exists.  I don't have to prove it.  I know it in my heart.  Like I know I am not an alcoholic even though I got four DWI's before I got my license revoked.  Like I know I am a good husband down deep in my heart.  It don't matter none that I have been divorced three times and two of my exes have protective orders on me (God's gonna protect ya.)  That don't mean I'm not a good husband.  I don't got to prove God exists with evidence.  Just like I don't got to prove I am a Christian with evidence.  I just gotta say it... that's what counts.  It doesn't matter what you or God do.... he loves you unconditionally.... and if you don't believe he loves you then deny his unconditional love and see what happens.  He will send you to Hades and condemn you to burn in the fires of hell for eternity because you did not accept the conditions .... of his unconditional love.  Can you imagine a God that loves you that much? 
     So let me get this straight.  You ain't sayin' I can't say "Merry Christmas" or put a manger scene in my yard or celebrate my religion?  You are sayin' you wanna celebrate your religion during this time of the year also?  You are sayin' you and your religion feel slighted or less important cause you don't get days off or commercial recognition or radio reports of Muhammad and his reindeer bringin' bullets dipped in pig's blood to his followers.  Is that all your sayin?  You just want to share the season with all the other religions and celebrate humanity and peace?  Well you can kiss my pimple-covered, white, hairy ass!!!  It's called CHRISTmas.... not MUHAMMADmas or SCIENCEmas or MORMONmas or NOTHINGmas.  God named it CHRISTmas on the first day of creation.  It has been called CHRISTmas since God rested on Sunday after building the world and the United States of America.
     Sure my momma taught me to share.... but she was high on Zanax most of the time so I didn't trust much of what she said no way.  Sure the good Lord said "Love Thy Neighbor" but I don't live next door to no Ragheads or bald-headed Moonies.  That's why I built a fence around my single-wide....to keep 'em out!  I don't need no fancy book-learning (before you say it the Bible was a scroll before it was a book so that don't count) to understand that the Christmas season is for Christ.  So grab up your weapons because the "Season of Peace and Love" is about to be a blood bath (which is not the same as bathing in the blood of the Lamb.. so don't even try bein' cute.)   It is winter time all around the world.  The snow is on the ground everywhere.  It is cold outside.  This is CHRISTmas time.  Christians have spoken.  You can say what you want... but this climate is not changin'.