COWBOY IN A WHITE HAT

Seventeen dead school children.  That’s a small price to pay so Americans can protect their right to play pretend cowboy.  We gotta be armed in case the Native Americans, Muslims, Atheists, Aborted Fetuses or the military of our great country decide to attack us.  Because let’s be honest nothing puts the fear of God in a Super Power military than a bunch of rifle-totin, frightened, hilbillies who weren’t smart or disciplined enough to finish high school but innately possess the strategic military skills passed down from their Confederate forefathers.  Sure God will protect us but only after we empty our magazine on a Ivy-league educated, communist-loving, constitution-hating, liberal-minded, atheist, half-breed, transsexual who will inevitably invade our double-wide to use the bathroom beside our youngens.

     I am a courageous American.  I have no fear.  Hell, it says it on the back of my pickup window, “No Fear.”  Sometimes I drive around town and don’t even use my blinker.  I’m a rebel.  I know no fear… which is why I hide behind a gun and a wall.  It is why I have an underground bunker…. not because I’m scared… but so I can be alone with my thought.  I want to ban immigrants from coming into my country and taking all the good engineering jobs… which I would have taken but I like to work with my hands and engineers don’t work with their hands.  And college is not for everyone…. especially someone who has a GED, ADD and loves the NRA and the USA.  The only way to solve the gun problem is more guns.  Like the only way to cure alcoholism is more alcohol.  It’s really simple if you think about it.  If you don’t want your child to be molested by a stranger at school then they are gonna have to take their pedophile uncle to school so he can protect them.  I don’t have no fancy degree.  I got my learnin at the School of Hard Knocks… which is not accredited… but that don’t matter none because I know how people think… especially people like me… who don’t think.  We feel.  We feel real scared all the time… the devil is after us, the Muslims are after us, the government is after us, cancer is coming to get me, theirs a boogeyman under my bed so I drink to calm my nerves.

     I don’t need no fancy book learnin… unlessin it’s the Good Book… which I really didn’t read but I let my high school graduate preacher man interpret God’s law just like Sean Hannity interpret the news for me.  They give it to me in little bite size pieces.. something I can easily digest.  They give me diluted facts wrapped in fear like the all-loving God demands…. Otherwise he just might kill you with a flood… cause he loves you.  I believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost… and the Ghost is Holy because he didn’t wear his protective flak jacket down at the range.  Cause that is where real men are made on the shootin range.  A real man doesn’t use his mind and spend his time gazing into some faggety microscope trying to cure AIDS.  That women’s work.  I go out to the shooting range and fire off a couple hundred rounds and I can forget about my flaccid penis and my occasional attraction to some of the high school football players… I love sports that’s what that is. 

     And don’t quote me no statistics from England or Australia where they done went and banned guns and eliminated mass shootings.  First of all them countries are islands.  How they gonna get guns to islands iffin you forget about boats, planes and Amazon.  Island people aren’t like Americans.  I know island people I watched every episode of Gilligan’s Island.  What kind of red, white and blue-blooded American could be stranded on an island with Ginger and Mary Ann and not be accused of sexual assault at least once a day?  None.  Island people can resist unguarded vagina… hell… resisting the allure of a gun is cake.

     So, some kids have to die so I can pretend I’m a man.  Some kids have to die so I can feel powerful.  That’s a small price to pay.  It ain’t like there ain’t a silver linin to this cloud.  Now the class size is smaller and a few daddy’s no longer have to pay child support.  So, it’s not all bad.  What’s the alternative?  We give up our guns start drinking wine, eating cheese and having sex with other men like the French?  Sure, I am against cyber-bullying but real bullying with bullets … I’m all for it.  Why?  Because I am an idiot who wants to pretend I have some genetic connection with my cowboy forefathers who defeated the Indians who invaded this great country of ours in the Wild West days.  I can tell you this right damn now… I would have been one of them cowboys in the white hat.  Maybe that is what we could do…. give white hats to the good people who buy guns.  That way when the shootin’ starts we would know the good guys from the bad ones.  But we just wouldn’t give the white hats to anyone… they would have to go through some kind of background check to make sure they weren’t crazy or dangerous or a criminal or violent… cause you don’t want just anyone wearin’ the white hat. 

     Yeah that ought to solve the whole gun problem.  Give the good guys the white hats.  That would be the American way.  It would definitely solve the mass shootings.  Yep… how’s that for an old American country boy with a GED and irrational fears?